Friday, February 28, 2014
It's been really hard to make friends here. Honestly, it's been hard for me to make friends at all the last 10 years. Since I left the US, it's been a time of highs and lows, times when I've really felt the need for friendship and other times where I didn't feel that need. I've mourned the loss of friendships. Before I left the US I had some really "close" friends. At least that's what I thought. My heart has been heavy so many times, just wishing my friendships with those people could go back to what they once were. But then I realize 10 years have passed and I just may never regain them as friends. There are a small handful of people who have stuck with me through thick and thin, who have loved me despite all the things that are wrong, selfish, or misguided about me. Others have judged. Some stuck it though. I love those ones. But I can't just sit down with them over coffee and chat. I'm still thousands of miles away. My kids take up most of my time (which I wouldn't change), but it doesn't give me a quiet space condusive of having a meaningful Skype conversation either.
And although I love my husband for being so amazingly understanding, he's still a man and I still need a friend that is not him. We've been in Chile for almost a year and a half and it's been soooo hard to make friends. People don't just open their lives to a new person every day. They have lived their entire lives here in Chile without me and frankly don't need to add another person into their circle. ouch. But it's true. I understand people. And sometimes I feel the same way. I dont need to add more people into my circle. But that's just it, i DO need to add.. maybe for my kids sake, my sanity's sake, my marriage's sake. I need conversation with someone who is not on the other side of the computer screen and who I can share life's trial and struggles with.
But what I don't want are handouts. I don't want pity, nor superficial junk. I want real conversation about real topics that affect our lives. And in English would be preferred. Ok, I'll give up the English. Any language that I can understand is ok.